Summer School Tales Vol I

Cafeteria Duty Chronicles Vol XXVII: The Dangers of Having Acute Hearing:

Student 1: "Man, I'm tired. I didn't get any sleep last night." Student 2: "Why not?" Student 1: "Because I had to drop off and pick up from the strip club. Student 2: “Bro, I’m mad as hell that you just told me that. But I thought you said she liked bartending??”
Student 1: “Yeah, I think she does. But she doesn’t “just” bartend. **Long pause** But she gets a helluva lot more tips on stage and on the pole, than behind the bar.”

Student 2: “Why doesn’t she get up and dance on the bar? Best of both worlds right?” Student 1: “Ease up man, all jokes aside it’s kind of disturbing. Man, you ever seen your mom jump into a car with a duffel bag filled with ones?

Student 2: “Nope. Never” Student 1: “Oh…. uh me either.” I love my job.... SMH

Beware of the Block Party

When I was in college, we had a Block Class. A series of classes that I more or less shared the same classmates with during that quarter. I remember having these big study sessions, learning vignettes, and all sorts of Happy Hours, when we would always go eat chicken wings uptown on Thursday. At the end of the semester, we had a Block Party. After the fair, we all gathered together, pitched in, and celebrated the fact that in a few more weeks, or months, we would be "REAL TEACHERS." That was my first real BLOCK PARTY.

Fast forward about 10 years. I taught on a block schedule in Florida for a while, (90 minute classes) and now I have Block classes in Texas (100. I guess it's safe to say I was raised on the Block. I hail from the Block. I grew up on the Block. I am the product of the Block. Now, none of these are literally true for me, and the majority of these are falsehoods for my students as well. But, they listen to music that glorifies a different “Block”. Is that my point? Nope. My point is completely unrelated to this. But let me just tell you a little something about the conversations that take place in my Block Class. Mind you. I have these boys for 55 minutes first. Then they get a 5 minutes break (if their behavior as a class has been acceptable), then they return for another 50 minutes of class. But in the midst of that 5 minutes of freedom they are allowed to be on their electronic devices, text, or generally talk freely, permitted that their language is clean. (That is actually ALOT harder than it sounds.)

So, my issue is, that these boys are not always in touch with reality. They recently had a conversation about wanting to marry a porn star/stripper. So I was in the hallway and yet I can hear a few of them murmuring about "Yeah bro, she sexy... she got a phat @$$..." etc etc etc. Of course they don’t remember that I told them DAY ONE. I have glasses, meaning my eye sight isn't perfect, but my HEARING is STELLAR. I hear everything. There are consequences for bad behavior, bad language, and inappropriate remarks. They hate them. I don't necessarily enjoy them either, but respect of yourself and others ESPECIALLY WOMEN, is a must.

******2 things before I even tell the REAL story. A. My coworker (male) and I had this random conversation the other day saying that our students don't have a real basis of what is appropriate or inappropriate. They seriously, just open their mouths and allow words to spill out, regardless of how inappropriate, how vulgar, how profane. NO FILTER.... And I'm not talking about some Instagram feature. This is real. They just TALK. My favorite rapper calls it VERBAL VOMIT. I call it Diarrhea of the Jaw. They just can’t keep anything in. (Don't use my phrase... 10 cents if you do) They just literally say whatever... then think afterwards. B. Just to prove this, two girls (not my students, but they come to my tutorials at least twice a week) came down the other day for tutoring after school. I asked where they were coming from and they both opened their mouth and said the teacher's name. I asked why, and they both opened their mouth at the same time again and spewed out 2 grotesque responses at the same time. Response A: "Because she is bitchy and on her period." Response B: "She hates her life because she never gets laid." I stood their shocked.... and then they had to return to their teacher and apologize... THEN, pay the price. And yes, I called to make sure they went back to her and apologized, and that they said EXACTLY what they were sorry for saying. (pay the price = either a referral for profanity or 50 pushups...for the first infraction. And I made them go and apologize to their teacher, who didn't know they spoke foul words against them. Their remorseful faces indicated that they got the point.) So there is a certain level of decorum and expectation if you step foot into my classroom. And yup. I made them do the pushups. BELIEVE THAT.******* End Mini Story….

Before I even start with the story, let me say this is what started this conversation. One of my students came in one day and said, "Mr. Ham, I got in a argument with my brother yesterday." So I of course ask why. And he said because he was watching porn, and my lil nephew was in the room with him. So I cursed him out, and we just started fighting." So he said he took his nephew out of the room, and had an exchange of words with his brother. I told him he made a good decision by removing his nephew from the room, but he may not have handled the rest the best way possible. Well other students who overheard were more curious about who was on the video and what the heck was "going on." For some reason they thought this was a segway to initiate in a conversation of this nature in class, but ya'll know I can't have that... ever. But I swear, it opened Pandora’s box. It’s an all boys class of ages 14-16. Their focus isn’t always on “math.” Fast Forward about 6 weeks..... Let me tell you what I heard, and then how I took control of a conversation, that in the end, may have provided some guidance for my "All Boys All-Star" Class. In between classes I was helping a student open a locker in the hallway, and a students started this conversation about wanting to marry an "adult star." So in the 5 minutes I was in the halls policing students to class, put their IDs on, and lower their voices in the hallway, they compiled a list of famous stars they would consider marrying. So when the bell rings, I'm ready to start class, but they want to keep with their conversation going. I honestly can’t entertain that foolishness in my class. So I asked, at such a young age, why in the world would you want to marry someone so old, and for lack of better terminology “experienced.” Plus how can you possibly justify that to your parents, or friends? So the first person they mention raised a lot of concern. Apparently, her name is Pinky. But, the concern was that she supposedly has HIV. But a student adamantly said, she posted her STD Test ONLINE with the results to show that she is NOT HIV positive. (The picture that the student showed, showed a clinic sheet, and it appeared she like scribbled her name in with a pencil.) Sketchy. I still had a couple kids that said it didn’t matter. She had a body. So to turn the conversation, “I ask is beauty everything?” Ummmmm, yeah…. I got some very narrow-minded 15-year old responses. Summarizing their responses, yes…. They all feel they deserve to marry a DIME. Regardless if they are Now, my next question was, what do you bring to the table? Are you polite, courteous, considerate? Are you smart, motivated, driven? EVEN BETTER….. are you respectful to your own MAMA!!!! That’s the one that most of them SHUT UP on. Game. Set. Match. I tell all the young ladies in my class, to watch how your boyfriend speaks to his mother, or grandmother, or whoever the “lady” in the house is. Or are you mean, disrespectful, and manipulative? Or are you just looking for a pretty girl on your arm? Are you trying to “use” a girl? Do you really want to date her? Are you interested in her ambitions? Dreams? My favorite question is she passing all of her classes? Nope (I realized that some cases of high school dating are just basically hanging out, but in rare cases, these turn pretty serious, and lets be honest, my FAVORITE student last year got pregnant by an underachieving student…. Not ok.). One of them said, “I be laying my game down heavy Mr. Ham, once she is with me, she ain’t gonna go anywhere.” I beg to differ. Intelligence will attract stronger, than a terrible amount of swag. This also came from a student who is in his 2nd year of high school, and has ZERO credits. So I told them. If this is a competition to get the cutest girl, are you willing to sacrifice intelligence for cuteness? So, they had to tell me if they would rather have an airheaded (no disrespect ladies) “10” or an intelligent “8.” Only 1 of my 16 boys chose the Intelligent 8…SMH. Now I said “down the road the intelligent 8 can make her own money, and has her own career, but the 10 only spends the hard-earned money you make as an athlete (because sadly, that majority [10 of them] of my students in that class STILL aspire to place in the NFL, or NBA, although only 2 of them actually play on our high school freshman team, and they don’t practice “outside” of school practice time. STILL, only 1 opted for the Intelligent 8. I said something along the lines of how would you feel about introducing a young lady to your mother if she wasn’t intelligent. And some of these boys STILL thought their Mama’s would be ok with it. I think they actually thought there was a way to HIDE the fact she was not smart. “What if your mom asked her what 4+ 4 was, and she shrugged her shoulders and gave you an excuse like “I didn’t pay attention in math class.” Does that strike you as unacceptable??? Or if you asked “What’s 4 +4? “ And she said “JELL-O” and then laughed like it would be cute. Stupidity is not cute. Really, can you justify dating someone with very little intelligence, or who every time she speaks, you are afraid she may embarrass herself or you. “Because gentlemen I hear you converse everyday… we still have a lot of work and GROWTH to do.” Some of them are clearly misguided. I’m telling you…. Every day I am trying to give them tools to help them better themselves. Aside from the money aspect of math, they don’t have a lot of interest. They do have interest in making a lot of money, they just aren’t sure about how to do that. They don’t want to put in the work. They don’t want to till the ground, plant the seeds, and continue to work at it. They would like to pluck all the ripe fruit from, the tree though. So, I am not shocked that of the 16 in my class, only 1 has a girlfriend. He happens to have the highest grade in my class. I mentioned that, and said…. Hmmmm, maybe his intelligence was a pretty attractive quality. Because he doesn’t wear Jordan’s or expensive Polo shirts. He just gets dressed and makes sure that he is prepared for class every day. He rarely uses profanity, because he knows it is inappropriate in the presence of adults. But he studies with his girlfriend. Now while the other classmates laughed at that, he shrugged and asked about ways to increase the amount of money in his savings account. He did say something profound. His mom, and his girlfriend's mother ALLOW them to study together as long as they keep their grades up! Imagine that... Parental Permission. And I spoke with his mother at Open House. The only 3 parents I met at open house… their kids are passing my class. But that’s a different conversation for a different day. What I will tell you is this. Many of them stepped foot into my class lacking some skills, and we (I say we because this is like a SCHOOL-WIDE initiative to try and prepare our kids as best as possible) are slowly getting them to where they need to be. So yeah…. Beware of the Block Party. They are a HOT MESS. Exactly the reason, I was "blessed" with them everyday. Yup... Prayers are welcomed!!! Lemme be honest. PRAYERS ARE NEEDED!!!!

Like The Dark Knight..... The School Year too, Rises.

I'm breaking grammar rules. Get over it. Summer is officially over. I have spend more hours in my classroom than in my bed, so I KNOW it's over. I have reverted back to three syllable, three letter words like AML, IEP, 504, ESL, RTI, NAV, PLC, EOC to name several. It's official. School is here. I can't lie. It snuck up on a brotha. I mean, I wasn't oblivious to her. But she got me good. *She wooed me with a 2-day training at first. No biggie. I can handle that. Then came the binders or curriculum. The emails. Every other email with an attachment. The random email with the attachment, because out of haste, someone forgot to attach the aforementioned attachment. **She smooth talked me with PTA Luncheons. Pasta. Chicken. Garlic Bread. Brownies. I cant say no to that. Bottled Water. Dr. Pepper. Water with crushed ice and thinly sliced cucumbers. Classy right there. Clean bathrooms. haha. Yes, that's right, she pulled out all the stops. ***She waxed the floors of my classroom. Nice move. Makes me forget of how many times I had to tell my 14-16 year old children to: Please pick up that paper by your desk. Yes I know, you didn't throw it on the floor, but it would be polite. I appreciate it. Oh, it's not yours? Can you do it for me please? Seriously. They brought back some good friends. ArtWorld is back. My iTunes is fully stocked. My motor is tuned up. My internal oil has been changed, and my vision has been wiped squeaky clean. LEGGO! New Year. New Kids. New Perspective. Let's make this work. I can't help but reflect on some of my former students. How successful they have been. Yeah, one just got arrested on a murder charge.... but he wasn't in MY class. haha. But the others. They make me proud. I am going to groom a few more to be like them. Life Changers. Let's Get It. LHFC

Reflections on a Decade in the Classroom.

Now I am inspired to write. I feel like my last 10 years were tremendously blessed. This is going to be ridiculously long, so I hope you are in for the long haul....
This isnt for anyone, this is really for me.... I feel like writing. So welcome into my mind!

Looking over the past 10 years, I have spent thousands of hours in the classroom. Looking back at myself when I hit 20, I remember going to church and having an encounter with God. Now, don't be offended if you are reading this and we don't share the same beliefs. You have to understand my journey.... before you write me off. I was in Elyria, OH, at Second Baptist Church that Sunday. I remember the day, I went to both services. I NEVER went to 8 & 11. In my head, that was 1 too many services that day. But I needed to hear them. I was so grateful to see 20 years that day. I was in the midst of a huge change. I told myself I will try and praise and worship like never before. I wore a suit that day. I typically shied away from suits in church because I got so DARN HOT. I had just about made up my mind that I wanted career change. I was ready to shift from Engineering to Education. I was going to change the world. But first, God has to change my world.

I was rocked that day; I was floored, and I was in tune with my purpose. That day some folks prayed over my life, and stoked a fire for life. I remember throwing away a lot of things that I held as idols in my life that day. I remember throwing away a 100+ cds that promoted things I wasn't even affiliated with, nor ever wanted to be. I started stocking my collection with other music, sermons, inspirational messages, and determined to do alil more with life. TEACH.

So I've spent thousands of days in each of the next 10 years in the classroom. The next couple years from that day were spent as a student. Then as a student teacher, then as a teacher. And let me tell you, I've met some of the greatest kids in the world. I've been blessed watching them grow. They are maturing. Some of my first students are headed to med school, nursing school, seminary, and even from FL to OH! (Shout out to @dayanabanana if you read this). They have bachelor's, master's, and certifications that are propelling them into the future. I don't even have to words to describe "My Lazy Trig Kids." Teaching has been RUINED by this class. They have set the bar so high for AMAZING students. Every class after that I wish were just a little more like them. I see them all doing amazing things. Some of them have already traveled to countries, studying abroad, and EVEN GETTING ENGAGED AND MARRIED. One of my faves just got accepted into one of the top nursing programs in the nation. Michele Obama said so the other day too!! She is an amazing young lady, who sadly laid her mother to rest a few months ago. Talk about strong. Wrapping up college, while working & fighting through various hardships. Another is graduating this May from UF. What a proud day that is gonna be for her parents and younger brothers. She sets an amazing example for them. They even sent me an invitation! I get to share a small piece of their lives. They inspire me to keep doing it. Their parents send me friend requests on Facebook, and then send me messages thanking me for being a positive influence in their lives. While most of my students despise math, I have 3 who are studying to be high school math teachers. Maybe they ACTUALLY liked me.

This is my life!

At 20, I was willingly single, and happy about it. I had learned a lot from my last breakup, and I was learning even more regarding relationships as I was developing a good "ear" to listen to my friends relationship issues. I dont regret that relationship at all, and I actually learned a whole lot from her/us. But for the next couple years, I was just learning about me. I was tutoring one of my best friends, in Math, who is now out in California, several weeks away from completing her dissertation. In hindsight, she was one of my first students! Those hours we spend in WRAY were great! Dont hold it against me too much, I was just learning the art of teaching!

It's different to go from Hoover 232 in Athens, OH to Garland, TX (after a pit-stop in Palm harbor & St. Pete, FL) 10 years later.

This might be the most awesome 10 year reunion OF MY THOUGHTS ever... all random thoughts. I'm gonna reflect on some awesome students that have either walked through Osceola High School's 2nd Floor halls, out to my portable, or into Portable 3 at Seminole High School.

One of my favorite stories is a girl named Trig. Man, she was a cool student. Smart and athletic. But she fell off and started skipping classes. Not just any class, but my class. So I had to pull her card and borrow her friends cell phone and call her when she was skipping my class. (I don't do this normally, but for this one student, I had to.) Made her walk out to my classroom. And I was furious. I was ready to lay into her, and chew her out, but she was already hurt. It annoyed me not that a student would skip my class, but more so that a good kid, one I went out of my way for to help. It seemed that she was thinking about what I was going to bark at her, on the whole walk to my class, from my friend's class. I honestly couldn't say what I wanted to. In my head, I thought "What the heck is going on kid? You're THIS close to wrapping up your senior year of high school and now you are tanking it. ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! But honestly, I don't even remember what I said. All I know is she walked away while I was still talking. And I was yelling some stuff about "Oh for real? Just walking away in the middle of the convo?" That made me even HOTTER..... I was about done with her.

So I did what I always did. I starting writing a letter. I wrote them to my students because sometimes when you read, your brain processes words and the synapses from your eyes registers send messages to your brain that invoke emotions and feelings that sometimes the human ear bypasses if your mind starts to wander while you are trying to listen (happens to me alot, so I googled it!!). Anyways she responded, apologized and got it together. She is an amazing story. And the story is just beginning to unfold. She is living and learning and growing daily. It's a little nuts how much people can mature once they are beyond high school. She is a poster child for never giving up, and change. And she is walking it out by FAITH.
Hey kid, (I know you're gonna read this) I'm proud of you. I'm proud of the path you're on, and I am proud of the decisions you have made, especially the tough ones. I am proud of the lessons your are learning, and what you are taking away from life. I will continue to encourage you daily, k?

I'm pumped for J.C. I told her in high school she had the best initials ever. She is engaged too, and ready to hit the classroom as a teacher too. Man, she was cool. Her mom was too.... its funny how I get to meet so many of my students parents, and when I see them they are always ready to hug me!! She is an excellent example of a lady! She even taps me for advice sometimes. That's when you know people value you, when the look to you.

I'm pretty thrilled for what Char is gonna do. She is graduating soon, and will have a lot of credit hours for college already. She is funny, because even when she wasn't my student she would KEEP COMING BACK to my class, and do homework and work. 18 years old and will more than likely get her H.S. diploma and her A.A. Future is as bright as ever.

My buddy M.B. is a success story already. She lost her mother a while ago, and has been grinding ever since. It hasn't stopped her. I swear one day I'm gonna see her do something great. She's pretty mature for her age, and she has the mind to shift everything around her to make it amazing.

There are many more.... and let me tell you, the stories, jokes, and things that come out of student's mouths these days are astounding. I try to hold on to the positive

It's crazy to me that over the past 10 years, I formed relationships with more than 1,000 students. The older ones (2 in particular) comment on pics of my daughter on-line because they got to hold her when she was a month old, or when I compared her to the size of a deli sandwich from the Market. Of the two, one is now a fitness buff. She is a beast. She still looks like the girl I had in class, but now she is stronger and tougher (mentally and especially physically). She still says my name the names and it makes me laugh. She's an adult and calls me Mr. Ham! Nowadays, she doesn't make excuses anymore.
And apparently, the other one is a "DANCER" and a JEWELER, while in school? Where was this hidden talent? Where did this come from? But on top of that, she is the sweetest girl I've ever had in class. Definitely catch her at Starbucks when I am in town. Actually, both of them love them some Starbucks!! Remember studying for your college math class at Starbucks??

I got to hear a student preach a sermon in church one Sunday. He had me and my wife stand up first, and called me an inspiration, then preached the roof off that joint!
We used to get together sometimes before school and talk about the goodness of God. Crazy?!?!

Another favorite (Whom I never had in class) is now married, to a soldier. Has said goodbye before while he serves his country. My hat is off to both of you. It's always weird when someone's last name changes. She made me a poster that still makes me smile when I see it!

I'm glad for sites like Facebook and Twitter. It's always fun to know what next step your former students are taking. So any former students reading this...... I better get a text/email/reply/FB message about what's going on! Like I told you in class, "There is greatness on the inside of you."


These past 10 years have been great. But yet there is still a hunger for more. Like, I am STARVING for what is next. I'm not sure if I have a lot more time in the classroom. But I have plenty of more years of teaching left in me.

There are so many stories..... I have more to come. Stay tuned for the next 10 years.

Phrases I heard in my class on Report Card Day

2/23/2012.
It's report card day for me students..... the aftermath is below
Our report cards are delivered in a sealed envelop (to students) that is addressed:
To the Parents of __________________.

The expectation is that students will NOT open this letter, and they will give them DIRECTLY to their parents.
The following are quotes overheard in my class after receiving their report cards:

"Why does this even say, 'To the Parents of...... I bet NOBODY taking these report cards home."

Student 1: "Straight A's again, YES"
Student 2: "No one cares that you're smarter than the rest of us."
Student 1: "I do."
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Student: "This ain't making it out the classroom"
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"I'm passing all my classes for the first time all year."
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"New Student: So wait a minute.... ya'll actually GIVE the report card to the student? And we are EXPECTED to take it home? Man, that's stupid"
******************************************************************

"There must be some mistake........."
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"You know I'm bout to flush this $H!+ down the toilet right? Can I get a bathroom pass??"
*******

"Man..... Imma be grounded for another 6 weeks"
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"I'm failing everything, oh well"
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Student: Mr Ham.... got any white out?
Me: Nope, what do you need white out for?
Student: My homework **student starts smiling**
Me: Thought you did it in pencil, because you said pen makes your homework messy
Student: Ok, I just need to change a couple of these grades to look like they are passing.
Me: Isn't your mom going to notice the change??
Student: Naw, she is colorblind/
Me: Huh?????????
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Until Next time......
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Post-Christmas

Had a student get mad at me on his first day back....
Student: "I didn't have a Christmas, because of my grade in your class."
Me: "Oh really? What was your grade?"
Student: "Like a 11% or something"
Me: "Did you try in my class? Do your HW? Study for Tests, Correct Tests? Come for tutoring?"
Student: No. I just showed up.
Me:Yeah. Santa showed up at your house too.... And he gave you what you worked for.
Student: But I didn't work for anything........
Me: So, I guess you understand now.......

Welcome to Texas Education Part II

Funny story from yesterday in class:

Student: Mr. Ham, what's your daughter's name?
Me: Tori, it's short for Victoria.
Student: That's pretty, she is so cute in those pictures.
I cant wait to have a daughter, I already know what I'm gonna name her
Me: uh oh
Student: Her name is gonna be : Ibotonikaala'shetanaemonety. All 1 word. Pronounced: (Ah-Bow toe-knee-cah- la- shay-toe-nay-mo-nay) try and say it
Me: **walks out of room shaking head**


When I returned, I asked
Me: Why would you name your daughter that? Her response was "Because it's funny..... I mean she probably wont ever get a job with a name like that. What would you do if you saw her name on an application"

Me: I would probably forgo the interview and ask her 1 question.
Student: What question??
Me: Are you anything like your mother who gave you that name? If she said yes, I would ask her to leave. But if her response was NO, I would definitely hire her on the spot because I have a feeling she needs to catch a break in life.

Student: Oh for real? That's messed up.
Me: My point exactly. I am all for creativity...... but every artist has limits.

Welcome to Mr. Ham's Class